Breaking Down the “Shoulds”
Although it’s likely that my “shoulds” voice and my best self voice will always coexist, it’s the one I feed that continues to grow stronger.
As a mixed immigrant who moved to the US when I was three, “making something of myself” has been the primary focus of my life. I should work hard and be successful after everything my parents gave up for me. I should assimilate in order to fit in here. My “shoulds” didn’t have bad intentions. In fact, some of them produced desirable outcomes. They were striving for a Celine that would fit what was validated by society. The “shoulds” were safe, expected even.
But that was the problem: I didn’t just want to be safe and expected. In fact, if you asked me to define myself, it’s likely that those adjectives wouldn’t even make the list. Who I was trying to be wasn’t coming from me, and the confusing part is that I thought it was.
For years of my life, “should” was not only a belief but a mode of operation. I did things because I “should” and only later realized the unwanted consequences. They included:
Drawing up a “success” plan without stopping to ponder what success was to me
Becoming so good at fitting in that I lost sight of who I was when I was alone
Constantly getting hurt because I let others set my boundaries
Suppressing negative emotions to keep the peace and do what was expected
Molding myself to be who I thought I needed to be instead of who I actually was
Sadly, the “Should” World often appears successful on the surface. But the dissonance underneath remains: where is the “should” coming from? Society? External expectations? Insecurities? Realizing that my motivation behind the “shoulds” had no longevity has helped me stop listening to my “shoulds” and start seeking the voice of my best self.
Here are a few things I’ve learned from breaking down my “shoulds”:
For me, success is about doing work that supports my family and uses my strengths to make a positive impact.
I choose to work hard as a way to show gratitude for my parents.
Instead of “fitting in,” I choose to share my authentic self in order to promote a world where everyone belongs.
The difference matters. My “shoulds” voice is motivated by staying in my comfort zone, gaining the approval of others, and doubting my ability. In contrast, my best self voice is motivated by what is ultimately best for the person I am trying to become. It’s aligned with my values. It encourages me to dream big, accept who I am, and believe in myself.
Although it’s likely that my “shoulds” voice and my best self voice will always coexist, it’s the one I feed that continues to grow stronger.
So, what would life look like if we broke down “the shoulds”? What would life look like if we fed our best self? There is more to life than safe and expected; and we can get to that “more” together, one less “should” at a time.
Interested in finding out more about how to break down your “shoulds” and feed the voice of your best self? Let’s chat!
